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[13 Aug 2007|02:21pm] |
new icon. havent changed that in forever and a day.
i'm holding rat poison. that's right.
my life. is weird.
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[02 May 2007|10:20pm] |
shaneth got his wisdom teeth out. poor baby could barely talk and was in pain. he took extra percacetsm. i dont like that. oh well. i love him. hes pretty. PRETTY LAME HAAAAAAAAAAAAA
my boobs hurt. STOP GROWING BITCHES OR I"LL FUCKIN CHOP YOU OFF.
school, 3 more weeks til im outta here. looks like i have 2 jobs this summer. i have an interview for camp robinson next week so thats good. and im gonna keep workin at the lab. 10 dollas an hour bitch! yeeeeeuh. so it looks like im going to be visiting shane in late june i think. its gonna be great. i just want to marry that boy. sighhhhhhhh love him love hijm love him
IM IN LOVE AND ITS A SUNNY DAY
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| is this supposed to be about myspace top 8 or life top 8? ILL DO MYSPACE LOL |
[28 Apr 2007|06:49pm] |
[PERSON ONE]: Shane
1) Is this person older than 15?: YESSIR he is 20.
2) Where does this person live?: Camp Pendleton California!
3) What is this person's initials?: SAM lol
4) Why is this person in spot 1?: Because we're getting married!
5) How did you meet?: BAND CAMP MY FRESHMAN YEAR! what a cutie
6) Do you have any classes with this person?: umm not anymore
7) Do you love them? yessss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[PERSON TWO]: Nadine
1) What is your favorite thing about this person?: She is spontaneous and so much fun. We get eachother!
2) Have you done anything illegal with this person?: GEEZ yes!
3) What is this person's stereotype: Well it used to be little cute hippi-esque rebel. Now, she seems a bit preppier, girlier. Idk. Lets just go with sex kitten!
4) What song(s) remind you of this person?: Waiting for tonight by JLO
5) Do you trust him/her?: Yeahhhhh
6) How did u meet?: We used to bathe togehter haha. shes my cousin. its ok
[PERSON THREE]: Alyssa
1) What movie reminds you of this person?: Constant Gardener. IM GOOD HOW ARE YOU?!?!?!?!
2) Does he/she have any siblings?: 2 Bros
3) What school does this person go to?: Hamilton bitch!
4) Is this person atheletic?: Yeahhh. field hockey, crew, soccer, tennis. whoa!
5) What do you like most about this person?: This girl is my sister. The one peron that has really gotten me in the entire tim I've known her. I love this bitch.
6) Has this person ever spent the night at your house?: quite a few.
[PERSON FOUR]: Robbie
1) Who is this person's best friend?: hmmm alexandra? probably. or me haha
2) Why is this person on your Top 8?: Becuase "omg like everyone wants to be us! lol!" i loveh im haha
3) When's the last time you saw this person?: 2 weeks?
4) Does this person have a crush on anyone?: everything with tits...or a peen. haha
5) If you were to go to Six flags would you take this person?: yes i would!
6) How did you meet?: middle school band! lol
[PERSON FIVE]: Jen
1) How long have you known this person?: 4.5 years!
2) What are this person's hobbies?: music, movies, playing music, writing.
3) Does this person have a 4.0 GPA?: nope!
4) What car does this person drive if they are over 16?: a marroon beast. idk waht kind
5) Is this person your boyfriend/girlfriend?: yeah.
[PERSON SIX]: Nicky
1) Do you know this person's parents?: yep!
2) What type of clothes does this person wear?: anything and everything. love it. nicky, you look good in wahtever you put on. its awesome.
3) Have you been to his/her house?: yep
4) What's your favorite memory with them?: oh god. band camp before sophmore year when we really bonded and had SO MANY inside jokes!
5) How did you Meet?: elementary school. she made me stand in the outfield for kickball. :-(
[PERSON SEVEN]: Claudia
1) Have you seen this person's baby pictures?: YES
2) What is one thing this person taught you?: that i'll get rabies if i go outside. haha
3) One thing you taught them?: that little sisters are the most annoying things in the world
4) Is this person the same age as you?: 21
5) How did you meet?: the womb. not really. she was there when i fell out of one tho!
[PERSON EIGHT]: Liz Donskaya
1) If you could change one thing about him/her?: We'd see eachother more
2) Does this person trust you?: i dont know! maybe
3) Have you ever broke this person's heart?: nosir!
4) How old were you when you first met?: 11? 12?
5) Is this person married?: almost lol
6) How did you Meet?: middle school
[ABOUT ALL OF THEM]:
1) Out of your top eight who did you last ride with in a car?: probably jen
2) Would 4 & 6 make a good couple: hahah most likely
3) Who has made you cry? ooh shane, alyssa (back in middle school), claudia, and probably nadine
4) Who has SEEN you cry? oh all of them hahaha
5) Who has the nicest car out of all eight?: shane
6) Who smokes cigarettes out of your top 8?: shane
7) Do 2 and 8 like each other? they dont know eachother
8) Which two people on your list are different from the rest?: na and claud cuz im related to them
10) Do you love any one on your top eight?: like all of them
11)Do you hate any one on your top eight?: nope
12) Which one of your top eight is easiest to talk to?: alysa or shane
13) Which of your top 8 do you think is the smartest?: alyssa
14) Which of your top 8 do you think is the funniest?: robbie
15) Which of your top 8 do you think is the nicest?: shane or jen
16) Which of your top 8 do you think is the most shy?: claud
17) Which of your top 8 do you think is the most outgoing?: naaadine
18) Which of your top 8 do you think is the craziest? na or shane
19) Which of your top 8 do you think is the biggest partier?: shane and robbie
21) Have you hugged anyone in your top 8?: everyone
22) Have you ever wanted to kill anyone in your top 8?: oh yea!
23) Who have you known the longest? CHRISSIE!!!
24) Who would you want to hang out with next?: shane :-(
25) Who did you last talk to?: alyssa. im on the phone w/ her!
26) Who did you go to the movies with last?: shane
27) Who did you comment last?: idk shane
28) Do all these people have you in there top eight? i dont care haha but probably
29) Do any of the people have a crush on you? shane, robbie haha, shlyssa, and claudia. we love incest.
30) Will any of the people repost this in a bulletin after you? nope
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[24 Apr 2007|12:06pm] |
who got a perfect score on her calc3 exam? elaine did.
yayyy i got maillllllll.
i love my boyfriend and his big brown eyes. i also love my webcam so i can see his big brown eyes and give him a smile :-D
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[21 Apr 2007|03:29pm] |
Strange feelings today.
I want my darling to be home laying with me in my bed and watching the tango lesson with me.
sally potter is a genius. wrote the movie, directed the movie, starred in the movie. amazing dancer actor and woman.
I dont like the future. I dont like it at all.
What does independence feel like? it is good or bad? Liberating or too solitary and depressing? Is there even a happy medium? Which do you pick? Dependence or independence?
I don't need to pick.
I WANT SHANE HERE.
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[16 Apr 2007|01:21am] |
try to snatch it...
I love John Murphy.
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[14 Apr 2007|02:04pm] |
new developments: decided that a tattoo is coming in the next few weeks
new stories: none
new likes: Ben and Jerry's Cinnamon Bun ice cream
new dislikes: this kid on my floor
new decisions: i'm going to start excercising more
new music: john butler trio
new friends: none
new feelings: i feel inadequate all the time
new hopes: that i cant get a co op or internsip next summer
new successes: 90 on a really hard chem test
new failures: i can't make my hair look pretty today
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[10 Apr 2007|06:06pm] |
Hello my friends. I love you. I miss you. Why don't you live in my closet?
I don't like school work. It is really hard. I don't want to study for a test i have on friday.
I have been sad again lately. Well happy during the day. Very sad during the night.
Thinking a lot about the future. ANd whether or not shane and i will be together in it. BAHHHHHHHH
He wants to be a drill instructor for 3 years. In california. i meannnn what about me? what if i want to stay here? i probably will end up doing anything to be with him. even if i dont want to give up my own shit.
i'm fuckin pissed off right now. last night, i said to him "why dont i have any say in anything" and he didnt get it. he fucking says "why do you need say in it?"
BLEHHHHHHHHH
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| GUYS! Big news. I wasn't sad all day! |
[01 Apr 2007|03:26am] |
For once, today was actually wicked good. Wanna know why? I spent a lot of time with the pit. We had a little show for NESBA and then we went to a diner afterwards. The entire thing was really fun though from loading the truck to playing (which was really fun for once) to the diner. I love those guys and I think sometimes I overlook the fact that I have a great group of people who really like me and that I really like too. We just don't see eachother all the time.
And then I came back to my room HA sorry I have to be emo. Its just my job. I get sad when I'm around the peopleon my floor. Even though theyre really nice to me and are my friends kinda. And I also get mad/angry/sad whenever I talk to shane, but I should be happy when I talk to him. That is a problem. Maybe it's because all he's been doing lately is going to clubs/bars and that's all he talks about and i can't stand it. Sigh. And he knows that. Idk. lately we haven't had anything to talk about and I hate that feeling.
Well I gotta go to bed and sleeep. It's 3. everyne on the floor is drunk and funny. Especially my friend Jamie. THere will be pictures. I have a lot of school work to do tomorrow.
I don't drink anymore really. It's really good.
I love you guys.
More importnatly I love John more than anything.
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| Dormitory Jailcell |
[30 Mar 2007|06:18pm] |
I'm trying. So hard. I'm talking to the people around me. I'm doing all my work and doing well in school. I am talking to shane every day.
But I am so depressed. I just picked up my diary for the first time in a month and wrote and i only wrote for like 5 minutes but i filled up 8 pages. i didnt know i had that much on my mind, but i do. And it all makes me feel like shit.
I want to just sleep all day so I don't have to deal with my emotions. It would be like being dead but with dreams. I'm so tired all the time.
I haven't gone out at UMass in like seriously over a month. And this is my first weekend back without shane here. Everyone is going to my friend Goat's. I probably should. But I don't want to. Last time I went to a party I ended up crying the whole time and feeling like shit. And I wasn't even that sad then. I feel like if I go, I'll just bring everyone around me down. So I guess I'm not going to go.
I hate this place.
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[28 Mar 2007|11:49pm] |
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He just makes me so angry! WHAT THE FUCK?! omg myfucking heater is making the loudest noises, i am gonna punch someone int he face right now.
I HATE THIS. i can't do my work cuz i'm so pissed. and i dont know why i'm pissed. I hate it when he calls me, and I finally think I'll get to talk to him for a few minutes out of the day and then he ends up talking to his friends the whole time he's on the phone with me. without even saying "hold on" or "i'll brb". i'll be like telling him something and then stop talking and say hello? then i realize he's not even listening to me but instead talking about stupid shit with his friends who he sees all day. I'm glad he makes so much time for them when he's on the phone with me. so considerate. JESUS I HATE GIRLS! there is this girl like cackling in the hall. and she really did just say "liiiiiiike oh....my....GOD. NO WAYYYYY' stupid cunt.
i'm fuckig proud of myself. my hard work in drumline has payed off a bit. todayin tech class, when we were finishing my instructors said that i have improved a lot and have put in a lot of effort and that made me feel a lot better. I really am sick of sucking. I try really hard and practice on my drumpad like every day. BAH.
i have ingrown hairs on my legs. (sadly i had to shave them because i had a gynocologist appointment so i thought i'd be courteous)
i wish i felt like a good person, but i don't. i dont feel like a good person. i hate so many people around me and lie blatantly to their face and pretend i like them because i secretly want them to like me back. even though i don't like them. which is COMPLETELY POINTLESS. why does everyone feel so at ease?! how do they do it? i dont want to worry all the time and be so strung out, but i am and that is how i live every day. the funny thing is, since i've come back to school, (its only been a few days i know) i have been happier in general tahn i was on spring break because i've just been so busy. but as soon as i get a minute to myself (the time i should be enjoying) i get wicked angry, sad, nervous, and i feel like shit.
ugh i have to go bye.
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[25 Mar 2007|02:21am] |
Today/yesterday was the worst day I have had in some time. WOW i can't stop complaining. just stop reading. this is a load of bullshit and complaining and whining. i'm warning you. so don't tell me not to complain about my life because you don't have to read it and this is my journal. i am also a selfish bitch and don't deserve all the luxaries i have and the nice people that associate themselves with me.
i have had some horrible breakdowns this past year and i was very depressed. i constantly felt the world was crashing down on me and that every day was pointless. i felt like there was no hope in anything. for the most part i bottled it up and went on with my life pretending that i liked everyone around me, that everything was fine, and that i was happy elaine. i didn't even really tell shane. i considered getting help it was so bad at one point. i dont even know why i was so sad. missing shane was obviously a big part of it, but even more so, it was my negative self image. i absolutely hated myself. how i looked, how i held myself, how i acted, how i interacted with the people around me. and i just hated not being able to make myself happy. i hated school, the people there (with a few exceptions), me and shan'es situation, and missing my friends.
today i was talkig to shane and i told him that i was scared that i would beome depressed again the longer i go without seeing him and that i dont want to feel that way again. and he said what he always says "you were fine. you'll be fine" but i wasn't fine! and that's what i was trying to tell him and he didnt get it. i feel that way again. i just feel weighed down with everything and i feel like nothing here makes me happy. i try to look to the future and be happy, but i dont see that. i dont want to become depressed again. i dont want to start cutting myself again like i used to. gahhhhh its like i'm so happy when shanes home and then as soon as he leaves, everything is just as horrible as it was before he got here but worse. right now is the shittiest i have felt in so long.
I DONT WANT TO DEPEND ON SHANE BUT I DO. its not fair. i cry every single day. i'm not happy and i dont know how to make me happy. someone give me some advice please. pleeeease. what do i do? how can i possibly become happy when shane isn't here? becuase i dont want to hate my life 11 out of 12 months of the year. its not fair. AND IM SORRY FOR COMPLAINING. i just have a lot on my mind.
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| It's sunny yes? |
[24 Mar 2007|03:21pm] |
Well now. It is very sunny and pretty outside, but I'm not happy. (i'm really sorry to bitch all the time)
Last night I was very paranoid and i couldnt sleep becuase my house creaks and I thought someone was downstairs and I knew no one was there but I was scared nonetheless. Every time I shut my eyes to go to bed, there would be a loud noise downstairs and I'd freak out. I ended up almost waking up my dad and calling 911 because I was convinced someone had broken in. I stood in my hall for 10 minutes waiting for another noise. Then I called Shane crying. Then I went to sleep with the lights on. Ever since that guy broke into my house 2? years ago loud noises at night have freaked me out.
On a happier note I got new clothes yesterday: a cute bra that makes my boobs look awesome hahahahaha, 3 long tank tops with cute prints, and a crazy neon orange dress for summer. I also hung out with Alyssa all day.
On the sadder note, I was supposedto hang out with John but instead i fell asleep after dinner til 10. :-(
Shane goes to parties in LA and Hollywood. That's so weird. I don't like it. I don't want him to become one of those people. Also, I'm just so jealous of how happy he is there. I just wish I were that happy without his being here. but I'm just not and I know I never will be. I don't know what to do. School just isn't doing it for me.
I can't wait til the semester ends. I applied for a job at Camp Robinson for the park and rec department. So did Alyssa. THat's fun. BYE
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[22 Mar 2007|12:05pm] |
oh god this is bad. my mother is becoming a born again christian. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooooooo. why is she on a religious kick?! she is sending my father and me religious chain mail, she is recordig that horrible southern pastor joel osteen or whatever his name is from tv, she is joining a religious group (please dont let it be a bible reading group).
it runs in her blood that must be it. all the piccin women. her mother, her sister and my mom have all suddenly felt a need to reunite with god. WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING IN MY HOUES?!
meand my dad are freakin the fuck out hahaha
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[21 Mar 2007|12:44am] |
i am an antisocial mess
and i am quitting shaving my legs until the next time i see shane beause i simply do not care. i will spare you guys and shave my armpits though. I have started running/jogging and I hope i keep doing it when I go back to UMass. I am sick of feeling out of shape when I know with a little effort I can just run and stay fit and feel better about myself.
with an exception of this past month, this year has sucked so much cock it's not even funnny. I have less friends right now than I did coming into college and that's really shitty. We'll see how the semester finishes up. I really don't even know if I want to go back to UMass next year. I know I'm not happy here. But where would I be happy? With Shane. But that is stupid. I need to be able to make myself happy before I depend on Shane's being there to make me happy. I don't want to be depressed like all of last year. I really don't. But I don't make myself very happy now do I?
There are so many things I want to write in this journal that I can't because I don't want certain people to see them. Damnit. Oh well.
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[18 Mar 2007|09:27am] |
shane is leaving today and this is the worst possible feeling. you'd think i would've gotten used to it by now, but instead, every time is just that much harder. my throat hurts becuase i've been choked up for the last couple days. my mom asked me if i was sad and i got pissed and just wanted to scream "are you retarded?! of course i'm sad! no i'm fucking ecstatic" and then she goes. wow you arent going to see him for a long time huh?
she always knows exactly how to make me feel even shittier about a shitty thing.
and i hate crying in front of his parents and saying goodbye to him in front of them. i also hate the drive home with them after the airport cuz no one wants to say anything because we're all miserable. god.
this spring break is going to suck dick. i'm just going to end up sitting in my room not wanting to go out, calling shane allll the time, and doing cross stitch.
bleh. i feel sick. oh god. i just dont know what to do. i feel so like hopeless right now. like the entire world is crashing down. that is not a good feeling. if things go really bad in the next few months like the last time he left, i'm jsut gonna die because i can't deal with more stress.
MEHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH i don't want to face the day. i'm scared.
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[13 Mar 2007|11:04am] |
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my heart hurts. but i love shane. i hate anticipating heartache and lonliness. why can't i just live in the moment? honestly, elaine. you're lucky.
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[09 Mar 2007|01:49pm] |
woooo! school really like wore me down physically and mentally last week. i'm so tired and my eyes keep burning because my body knows i need to sleep. no time, but whatever. engineering is one of the hardest majors and i knew what i was getting myself into. i also like it so i'm not really complaining. its just hard to immagine that i'm going to be getting like 4 -6 hours of sleep a night for the next few years at school and have 20-25 page lab reports due every week and papers and shit. ugh.
shane's in new york with the family. and i miss him already. i am not going to know what to do when he leaves to go back to cali. i really really really hope its not like last time. after he left from christmas last year, we had a rough patch of like 3 months and almost broke up. i was crying every day, he was always pissed at me, i was pissed at him, things were shitty because we couldnt see eachother. if that happens again,, i dont know waht i'll do.
fuckin marines.
mark rocks. what a cool dad.
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[08 Mar 2007|12:47am] |
why do we plan so hard for the future? will our elaborate life plans actually ever happen? what if my life is nothing like i thought it would be like in ten years? what if i'm homeless? what if i have one leg? what if shane and i don't work out? waht if i'm an engineer? what if i'm an artist? i'm saying things now like "i'll be living with shane in 3 or 4 years" but waht if drastic changes come in these 3 or 4 years and i don't even know him anymore? what if my family falls apart? waht if i'm not happy with myself? I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHAT IS GOIG TO HAPPEN IN MY LIFEEEEEE lol
life is funny. i like it. ups and downs but the ups are so much more important and memorable. i've had so many downs but i just don't care about them anymore. that's one thing i've learned in 18 years,, just disregard all the bad stuff that life has given you and hold onto happiness because there is nothing else better and why not try and be as ahppy as possible?
shane being home is great. i dont get to see him til sunday night tho. i dont think my friends from drumline will ever meet him. that's sad. but 2 weekends ago when he was supposed to stay up here, i ended up getting really sick and went home instead. then last weekend we went to new york city. this weekend hes gone. next weekend is his last weekend and we dont have escuela. i want them to meet him.
we watched borat tonight. i love that movie. it was so funny. its stupid funny but funny nonetheless. i pulled tendons sp? in my hand/forearm. so much pain.
shane farts a lot. he smells. but so do i. hahhaaha and hes cute so i put up with it. :-D
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